What do lace pants, spinning chairs and cutlery have in common?

What do lace pants, spinning chairs and cutlery have in common? 

Everybody says that university is the biggest learning curve of your life and despite the flooded showers, burnt toast, and disappearing cutlery I would like to think that I had at least learnt something from my first term.
Of course you learn all of the proper and 'grown up' stuff, the things that your mum warns you about, how to go to ASDA without killing yourself, how to set up a bank account without the Italian Mafia coming after you et cetera et cetera.

But there are certain things that people don't tell you about, so, as a person who has managed to make it out of their first term alive and well, I present to you: 

'The lessons that a person can learn from their lace pants, a spinning chair and their cutlery - a diary of term one.'

How to wash your pants without them turning all holey
Student washing machines are nothing like ordinary washing machines, they are in built with three layers of sharpened, deadly shark teeth that will obliterate anything beyond repair should you anger the creature within. Your pants will never be the same again.
Quickly, I became accustomed to washing anything that wasn't a military strength bullet proof vest in the sink because I was fed up of walking into the launderette with 14 pairs of pants and leaving with 4. 
Tip 1: Don't use a washing machine gel soap concoction in your sink, that stuff is like cyanide; it will be two days later and you'll still be struggling to pick up a pen. Use strong body soap or really really weak washing liquid like baby wash or silk and wool wash. 
Tip 2: Don't leave your stuff to dry in the bathroom for a day because  everything will drip and become damp and smelly and dye will leak everywhere and it just won't be a pleasant experience. Pin your socks on your pinboard, hang your jeans out the window, blu-tac your pants to the wall, just don't leave them damp and in a confined space, it is a decision that you will regret for several days. 

Trust no one, especially when it comes to cutlery.
As simple as it sounds.
For the love of God just label your cutlery and keep it in your room, under your bed, in a padlocked box, inside a safe with fingerprint recognition technology. Easy peasy. 


Banks are idiots. Why do we give them our money?
When dealing with anybody with a keyboard or clipboard of power do not be fooled by the nice jumper and smart blue tie: Spinning chair = complete imbecile. 
Undoubtably your name will be spelled wrong, or your home address and uni address will be entered into the wrong boxes, despite the fact that to set up the account you had to produce 14 types of ID, 16 samples of DNA and the blood of a unicorn. You'll end up with thousands of letters, of apparently urgent importance,  addressed to somebody that's not you and at a house 100 miles away.
If the option is there, always opt to fill out the forms yourself rather than leaving it to the trained professional, you are not as stupid as everybody would like to make you feel and are a thousand ties more likely to get everything right first time.

Why do we opt to give these people our money?

But they're still not as bad as student finance.
It's best to call student finance approximately 4 days, 6 hours and 23 minutes before you actually want your problem resolving.
What's even more annoying is that, whatever the issue, you still have to be nice and smiley and polite to the Spinning Chair Imbecile on the other end of the phone because they wield complete control over the next ten week's pasta, tinned tomato and vodka fund.

There is a reason that God invented dishwashers.
Don't leave any washing up for anything more than 12 hours. It's really not worth the trouble the next day when your pasta is boiling over, you've incinerated a tin of tomatoes and you're still trying to scrub yesterday's cornflakes from the bowl. 
Cornflakes are definitely the worst. Kellogg's secret recipe must include some sort of industrial strength adhesive. 
I will admit, I was previously a 'leave it until tomorrow' washer-upper, however, I have learnt from experience and hereby encourage everybody reading to adopt a 'new year, new leaf' approach because it is such a new and overwhelming experience when a snack or meal time comes around and a utensil is immediately available. It  makes you feel alive inside and gives you a renewed vigour for the rest of the day! 

Or you could just eat straight out of the saucepan, that's good too. 

Whenever you enter a room always do a scan before you sit, because chances are you'll end up next to an aggressive typer
I had no idea that these people existed, but there are people in this world who are seemingly always angry at their portable computing or otherwise technological device. The result of such a tense relationship between man and machine is the constant smashing of finger upon keyboard, or even worse, of finger upon glass; whoever knew that the humble iPad could produce such an incessant assault on your senses and obliterate any hope of concentration for the entirety of an hour long lecture.
These people are to be avoided at all costs and a cursory scan of a lecture theatre before the placing of bum on seat will be an action for which your ears will eternally thank you.